How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
