you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
