i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
