I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
where are my eyebrows?
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