I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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