I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
