I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
