Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
