I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
