And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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