One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
