The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
