I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
