Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
