It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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