Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
