I will die if light touches me.
I looked at my own cervix.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
