yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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