the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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