Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
