Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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