Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize