is your mom at the bar?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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