New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
