I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
