Soap is not a condiment
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
