when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
