Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
