Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
