just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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