Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
