The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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