I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
