I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
