she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
