At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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