first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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