There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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