I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
