Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
