I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
