He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
