Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
