jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
No subtext here. People are naked.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
