I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
