There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
