My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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