Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
