forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
