yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
