My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
