This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
whose ass print is on the piano?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
